Monday, June 14, 2010

NOT ready...but ready?

I have 90 days (or less because I have never made it to my due date) till my family no longer looks like this:

and we add one more little man. I am ready to NOT be pregnant but I am not sure if my heart is ready for another one to love. I still think of Bob as a baby and just can't see him as a big brother yet, it fact it hurts to think about it and makes me cry. (could be cause everything makes me cry right now) But really how am I going to do this? Jordan and Kenzie are 19 months apart but Jordan didn't NEED me like Bob needs me. Bob wants me to hold and cuddle him all day. He NEED me! He's my sweet baby guy still. Can I have two babies? Even if they are almost 24 months apart? Is this what it is like with twins?

And 4 kids!! How in the world am I going to be a mom to 4 kids!! I mean I want 6 (I think) but I want some in school. Jordan will be starting school a few weeks before so I will still have 3 at home and have to worry about my oldest baby at school. I am not even ready to give him to school yet... I just can't think of that hurdle even if it does come before the baby.

Maybe I am stressing way too much and should be relaying on the Lord more. He does know me more than I know me. He knew I could do this and this baby wanted to come to our family NOW! There must be a reason why. I am excited to have 3 missionary sons. Even if two will be gone at the same time (Bob and this baby over lap by two weeks) NOW that will be hard on my heart in 19 years. But exciting. Just think of all the families that will be blessed.

I never would have guess when I joined the church that almost 11 years later I would have so many blessings. It was a HARD choice and I did it cause I KNEW it was right. And now I am getting to see all the wonderful things that come from my choice. I LOVE IT!!

Anyways if you have ideas on how to make this easier on my heart then let me know...


Heather (wife to Dave, mom to Jenna and Adam) said...

It'll all work out- no doubt about it. It has to, right?? You'll be great.

sarah lowe said...

I don't have four kids, so I don't know about that, but I do know that I tend to stress about things before they happen asking myself how is it all going to work out. I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my third. But the second I looked at and held my sweet baby it all changed in a way I couldn't have predicted before. Your natural maternal instincts will kick in and your capacity to love will get greater without you even realizing it. It's a gift that mothers were given. I am so happy for you!